Brenna’s “No pancake, thanks” thus reflects on her friends’ choice to eat the pancake (whether she meant it to or not), which can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, envy, defensiveness, and anger.

First, honor the boundary. Then express your feelings and take responsibility for them.

Get over the idea that a healthy relationship “should” look a certain way. Recognizing that each person has different needs around socializing and friend groups, and structuring your lives in a way that suits both people, is the big win, even if nobody else “gets it.”

It’s not clear or kind to pretend what they did wasn’t hurtful, to say “It’s okay” if it wasn’t, or to dismiss the impact by saying, “I know you meant well.” They can mean well and still cause harm. You can acknowledge that, accept their apology, and move on.

it’s more likely than not that the person will be happy to accommodate your needs because they care about you.

People are not mind readers, so you need a way to communicate that limit.

It’s not your job to guess my boundaries, it’s up to me to set and hold them.

sometimes people are careless and inconsiderate. But sometimes they’re suffering from depression, anxiety, or financial stress, which makes it really hard to do normal social things.

I define boundaries as clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy.