XENIA ADONTS

what am I gonna do with my life?

why certainty is a moving target

XENIA

AUG 19, 2025

My mom’s face lights up whenever she gets to tell people that I was playing chess and reading Russian books as a 4 year old (to what level, we will never know) and I always joke that my kid self was smarter than my current self. I can’t read Russian anymore, but last week I decided to learn to play chess again. After 48h of chess obsession I realized, I am an intuitive player and some moves are ‘in me’ and I felt naturally talented. I started fantasizing - should I practice to become a grandmaster? Knowing that most grandmasters were very young, I googled: who was the oldest grandmaster in history? How much prize money is there in chess? Fun fact, my dad lived close to Garry Kasparov (in Baku) and as teenagers they used to play chess with each other. I got so excited about this and assumed that my super smart dad had a winning chance to which he replied ‘Xenia, he was a grandmaster at 17, OF COURSE I lost against him!’ Well dad, just like you did with me, I expect nothing but best efforts from you.

I kept winning against the ‘beginner’ computer setting and my confidence was getting higher, so I signed up for my first play with a human. And when I tell you I got CRUSHED - is an understatement. Practicing with computers is somewhat predictable, because computers do not make irrational moves. But this human was insane -and unpredictable. I was so confused by the way he moved, he ended up killing all my pieces with ease and navigated the board so quickly that I realized, maybe, maybeeeee… I am not as good as I thought I was. DUH XENIA. (Writing this makes me giggle at my naivety). As strong as my good moves were (the computer rated most of my moves as ‘perfect’ and ‘excellent’), the stupid moves were equally significant. I thought maybe I had untapped genius - justundiscoveredyouknow. KingKong1995 took 9 minutes to destroy that fantasy. One thing about delusion is, you either get lucky and make it, but in most cases acting your fantasy out in reality will get you back on the ‘Boden der Tatsachen’ which is a beautiful German expression meaning the ‘ground of reality’.

Lately I noticed this delusional pattern with everything that I tried and liked. I imagined what it would be like to develop a new passion and to follow her. I’ve been doing Social Media for a decade but especially in the last few years I have felt so uninspired. I used to be so motivated to work my way up - that I always had a sense of fulfilment - until I reached my major goals. One thing people don’t tell you about reaching your goals is that the space that comes after can feel empty. I keep asking myself, and now what? And don’t get me wrong - there is a lot to accomplish still. But there’s also a sense of frustration I feel: after years in the cycle - fashion weeks, trips, events - it really is the same thing over and over again just in different fonts. I understand the value of dreams and aspirations but there’s also some sort of perversion in the fashion industry, this ritual of celebrating ourselves for playing dress-up at the altar of elitism… The number of times I’ve had to remind myself, we’re not saving lives, when my peers and I are discussing our hurt egos about which seats we got at which show is embarrassing even to write. The biggest frustration, however, is not the superficiality of my job - it’s me. Intellectually I know that it’s up to me to change things or habits or perspectives. Everything is up to me. Instead I have these moments where I cling onto performative helplessness. Why do I stand in my own way?

I keep circling back to the topic of authenticity - I am comfortably paddling on the surface - but how can I dive deeper? I want to be more authentic, but I am scared to show myself. I want to get more creative, but it never feels good enough. I want to have a bigger impact, but I am not brave enough. I want to take safe risks. I want to get to the heart - but without the pain. My mom always says is that everything in life has a price… and I think the reason I stand in my way is because I am not willing to pay the price yet. People say comfort costs more than risk but I disagree. Risk is expensive. The price is naturally higher because the reward is much bigger.

I look at people who are paying the price like Taylor and I look at the way her brain works (like the songwriting sessions on her Youtube) and I admire this certainty of knowing exactly who she is. She is the perfect storm of hard work, privilege, talent and luck, as if every single element came together for her. She was born for this. You don’t need to like her to understand and respect that. When I watch her passion I can’t help but think - I don’t just WANT this, I NEED this. I get tingles when I see people LOVE what they do… Really, I promise you, it is the most beautiful thing to me. Finding your place in the world and loving your art is so, so, so beautiful. I wish this for us all.

There’s this concept we like to forget called Free Will. If I don’t change it, I choose it. Right now I stand in front of the fig tree and look at all the different branches… I fantasize what it would be like to choose a different one. I imagine what it would be like to focus on music, a big passion of mine… or to focus on writing… or to start another business… to focus more on investments… or open my own coffee/book store… or move to another country… I want to do it ALL, experience it ALL and I get so greedy that I feel shame. How much life is one person allowed to live? Shouldn't I rather go and touch some fucking grass and be #grateful for everything I have? (I know this shame is gendered

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