For HCPs, there often cannot be any shades of gray. This is called splitting. You may recognize this all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking when you hear an HCP say things like, “You always do this,” and “You never do that.”

But people with BPD—and, as you will see in the next chapter, folks with NPD—take every one of their emotions to be 100 percent true and accurate. They act based on their emotional reality all the time. Logic has nothing to do with it.

At the center of this family system is the person with BPD, who is desperate for attention and emotional relief. They believe that someone else holds the key to their happiness, because they can’t be happy alone. They need someone else to make them happy. They can’t soothe themselves, calm themselves down, or deal with anxiety, anger, or other

Control Issues People with BPD often need to feel in control of other people, because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, because they feel vulnerable and afraid, they try to make their world more predictable and manageable by controlling it as much as possible.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): People are highly self-centered, and generally hide a fragile sense of self-worth behind a façade of being superior. They believe they deserve special treatment, so they find people who are willing to fuel this sense of entitlement. Then they belittle, manipulate, and insult these other people.

Most HCPs are shame-based, insecure, and troubled by feelings of worthlessness. For HCPs, admitting that they made a mistake is intolerable and unthinkable. Even admitting that they could make a mistake is intolerable. That admission would be catastrophic for their self-image, so they refuse to take any responsibility.

Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the line from healthy function to dysfunction. Someone with NPD inhabits a different reality from most people. In this alternate reality, they were born to be a metaphorical king or queen, and they give little or no thought to the lives of the peasants who work the land, keep their belly filled, and warm

Narcissists are forced to define themselves based on the expectations, likes, and dislikes of others. Rather than relying on an internal sense of being good enough, narcissists are stuck seeking approval and reassurance. Without constant infusions of praise or flattery, their [sense of superiority and entitlement] becomes weak and unstable.

Certain hot buttons get pushed so many times that even the slightest touch becomes painful. Hot buttons for you may include: being unfairly accused by your loved one having needs, feelings, and reactions discounted or denied by them