There’s this guy who is sailing across the ocean, and he’s stuck in the doldrums in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. No wind to move him through it, just his tiny vessel and thousands of miles of ocean on all sides. He looks into his phone’s front facing camera, smiles and takes in the stillness of his surroundings. Naturally, this is all captured on TikTok.

When I watched that video I think, ‘shit that must be terrifying, isn’t he lonely?’ With no wind to whip up waves, no other vessels, or even sea birds cawing, he might as well be in outer outer space. But, he content to be in the middle of nowhere. I suppose you don’t man a solo sailboat trip across the Pacific Ocean if you don’t love the solitude.

So, yeah. The middle. That’s what this is about. I think.

I won’t speak for the masses, I can only speak for myself. But, as someone who is 40, half-way through my career - in the doldrums of life - the middle can feel unsettling. It’s a time of reflection, of regrouping. It’s half time. And you’re game planning for what you want to be when you grow up. I like how Brene Brown puts it as not a crisis, but an unraveling.

Middle age is not something people want to talk about. But, all around me, I speak to my friends and colleagues in a similar stage of life, and there’s a feeling of malaise that comes with being in the middle. And the big questions are being asked either consciously or: do I reinvent myself, do I stay the course, or do I sink into it and wait for the wind to change? That’s what I will be exploring here.

This ain’t self help. Dear god, please no one take self-help tips from me. It is more about me putting feelings into words and maybe some people will feel seen. I’ve been writing in private for the better part of a decade, and it’s been a tool to help me deal with my own shit, but I also know it helps me when I hear someone say the quiet part out loud - like some of the dark spots inside me are a little brighter than before.

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