Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

All I want to point out is that if you decide not to give equally, for whatever reason, that’s all right too. The children who fail to receive won’t go under. Your understanding and acceptance of their disappointment will help them to deal with life’s inequities.”

“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”

“But I also explained that some things are so special or so new or so delicate—like

“I’d want the freedom to say all kinds of nasty, critical things about the new wife—whether they were true or not—and not once have him defend her, or put me down, or get angry.”

There is no way that we as parents can mandate a fixed, close, loving relationship between our children. However, what we can do, with skills and goodwill, is remove the usual obstacles to sibling harmony, so that when our children are ready to reach out to one another, the road is clear.

You can be nasty, bratty, sloppy, mean, inconsiderate, irresponsible—and it’s okay. It’s normal to be those ways at times. And I’ll love you just as much.”’

“The trick is not to add, ‘I’m so thrilled, I can’t wait to tell Dad and all the neighbors.’ The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.”

“It’s true. A kid will play the ‘good boy’ part because it brings him love and approval.” “Or the ‘bad boy’ part because it’s a way of getting

Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines goodwill.

Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.