Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let’s use our power wisely. Let’s not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.

had decided that my oldest son was a born bully, and my youngest boy was innately sweet and gentle. And every day there was fresh evidence that I was right, because every day David seemed meaner and meaner, and every day Andy seemed more vulnerable, more pathetic, more in need of my protection.

Is there anything you do with your children that seems to help their relationship? Is there anything you do that seems to make it worse?

Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.

want to know how you feel . . . because your feelings are very important to me.”

The parent can show her how to stand up for herself.

It’s almost as if two forces are at work: one pushing them apart as they use the differences between them to define their unique, separate selves; the other pulling them together so they can come to know their unique brotherhood.

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”