the standard strategies for coping with kids’ quarrels only led to more frustration and resentment between them.

But the feeling that surprised everyone the most was the burning desire to do harm, no matter what the cost. They wanted to get the newcomer into trouble, to hurt her or him physically. It didn’t matter if they hurt themselves in the process or invoked the wrath of their spouse. It would be worth it if they could diminish the intruder in the eyes

their anger without doing damage.”

But if I say something like, ‘Hey Benjy, no biting Mommy! You can bite your blankie or your teddy,’ then five minutes later I’ll hear her giving him a choice.”

Most children experience a mixture of emotions toward their siblings and become uncomfortable or resentful when told they feel only hatred. A more helpful statement would be, “It seems to me that you have two feelings about your brother. Sometimes you like him a lot and sometimes he makes you mad as the dickens.”

Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.

hear crying. Do you need help or can you work it out yourselves?’ The first time I said it there was

upsets me when we try to have a nice day out with the three girls and the bickering never stops. Is there anything we can do about it? Different children at different times in their lives are better off with less “togetherness” with their siblings. They can use separate outings, separate friends, separate interests, separate activities, separate

the misguided need to bolster a child’s ego—even