Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem

The prosocial shame cycle goes like this: Overconsumption leads to shame, which demands radical honesty and leads not to shunning, as we saw with destructive shame, but to acceptance and empathy, coupled with a set of required actions to make amends. The result is increased belonging and decreased consumption.

A truthful self-inventory leads not only to a better understanding of our own shortcomings. It also allows us to more objectively appraise and respond to the shortcomings of others. When we’re accountable to ourselves, we’re able to hold others accountable. We can leverage shame without shaming.

When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.

If others respond by rejecting, condemning, or shunning us, we enter the cycle of what I call destructive shame. Destructive shame deepens the emotional experience of shame and sets us up to perpetuate the behavior that led to feeling shame in the first place. If others respond by holding us closer and providing clear guidance for redemption/recove

The emotion driving both shame and grandiosity is contempt. Think of it like a flashlight. When the beam of contempt swings out toward you, we call that grandiosity: “I can’t believe what an idiot that guy was!”