The apostle Paul, writing to fledgling communities of the Christian sect, wrote in opposition to porneia—prostitution and the buying and selling of people, male or female, as sexual objects. Contrary to the prevailing ethic of the times, this worldview suggested that all people, no matter which social class or sex, deserved to be treated with

But for men of higher classes, there was an entirely different code: it was assumed that they could and should indulge their sexual desires as they pleased, with prostitutes (of which there were plenty), slaves of any kind, or anyone else who lacked the same social honor—nonpersons. Treating them as objects with which to satiate oneself was

It’s not crazy to want something more. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask for better than we have—and something better may really be possible.

Being able to identify failures is key to creating a new norm. But one way to move forward—to put that norm into practice rather than be stymied by its seeming unattainability—is to simply be open to recalibration. To not be defined by our past experiences and to choose better once we know how. Condemning what we see as bad is fine, of course. But

Sexual pleasure didn’t begin with the sexual revolution. And loving relationships aren’t synonymous with virginity and marriage. Less casual sex doesn’t have to equal no sex until marriage—that train left the station a long time ago. But creating a better sexual culture and a healthier sexuality would probably mean recognizing sex as something

I held on to my abstinence for a while and then let it go, jumping into the opposite end of the pool. I found that neither extreme made sense. Total openness wasn’t actually more freeing than the cramped confines of purity culture. I watched my peers get hurt; I got hurt too. But some lessons from that culture—where salvageable—still had value, I

The gaps in my knowledge weren’t filled outside of school, either. I grew up evangelical—for as long as I can remember, my family went to church on Sundays, sometimes twice—a cornerstone of our relationship with a loving but rather judgmental God. I was steeped in a culture of Wednesday-night youth group and overnight “lock-ins” in which girls and

Having lots of sex hasn’t led to better sex or better relationships. In many cases, it has inspired numbness, callousness, hurting others and being hurt. And rather than being titillating, sexual overload is boring. Boundaries can make things more exciting, more beautiful, paradoxically more open to the possibility of something better and as yet

For joy to be sustainable, it has to be earned.”