Believe that you are not doomed to repeat the past. You have the ability to create a new world in which you are surrounded by loving, caring, and loyal people. Besides, you need to believe in a good world in order to expel the bitterness inside you that fuels your raging. Remind yourself every day that the people in your life today are not the same

You need to challenge those demons from the past, those early attachment injuries. You have to leave the past in the past, once and for all, so that your present becomes uncontaminated.

So how, then, can you cut through the fog? You must get better at taking in the love and reassurance that others offer. That calls for conscious effort. For instance, take a deep breath every time your partner says he or she loves you. Take the words deep into your body. Breathe them into your heart. Hold onto those words until they get past the

Those prone to abandonment rage have trouble believing anyone could love them for long. The fear of abandonment lingers like a late morning fog blocking out the sun. However, this particular kind of fog is mental. Instead of water droplets, the abandonment rager’s fog is composed of little particles of suspicion, worthlessness, fear, and anger.

Distrust is the fuel for abandonment rages. “He’s going to cheat on me.” “She’s going to leave me.” “They’re going to let me down.” “I can’t trust anybody.” These thoughts must be replaced, because they regularly trigger abandonment rages.

Praising others is more than an act of generosity or a way to be nice if you have shame-based rages. It is a way to prevent those rages from developing. Remember that shame-ragers are trying to give their own shame to others. Constantly criticizing others is only a diversion from the real work you need to do, namely finding ways to better accept

“I am no good” to “I am good.” “I am not good enough” to “I am good enough.” “I am unlovable” to “I am loved and lovable.” “I don’t belong” to “I belong.” “I should not exist” to “I am.”

STEP 4. Reclaim your shame to break the shame-rage connection. There is only one way to stop this. It isn’t easy. You’ll have to listen to the self-attacking part of your own personality, to the part of you that says you are shameful. But there’s simply no alternative. Either confront your own inner shame or continue to risk having more shame-rage

Sleight of mind instead of sleight of hand.