Odd Girl Out: My Extraordinary Autistic Life

Temple Grandin, author of a number of books, including Thinking in Pictures, once said, “Fear is the main emotion in autism.” That is certainly true for me. Everything new I encounter—even if it is simply the beginning of another week—is seen through the prism of fear.

Often in ASD you are searching for the patterns of life—looking for patterns in interactions and then analyzing them, imitating them, and faking them.

If anything, all I want to do is quash the fear that envelops me and takes over my mind at times. If I can just achieve neutral more often and learn to do the things that come easily to others, then I think I may finally be content.

Mimicking the behavior, style of speech, interests, and social interactions of others provides something akin to a blueprint for life.

I don’t know how to be involved with the minutiae of other people’s lives.

The conversation ends there. Unresolved. It’s as if we both know there will be no winner, only losers.

I don’t think feeling strong emotions would make my life any better. I can see why my being fiery or an adventurer would enhance Tim’s life, however. He hates living in the gray. He wants the peaks and troughs.

This is important. When a place looks different from the way it’s been represented on websites or in brochures, I feel confused, as if I don’t know which version to believe.

If I don’t focus on people, they fall into the background of my world.