NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties of modern parenting.

Sincerity of praise is also crucial.

I recognized that praising him with the universal “You’re great—I’m proud of you” was a way I expressed unconditional love.

Race and hairstyle had both become part of the identity formula.

To be effective, researchers have found, praise needs to be specific.

kids are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism; they’re going to form these preferences on their own.

it takes years before their cognitive abilities allow them to successfully use more than one attribute to categorize anything. In the meantime, the attribute they rely on is that which is the most clearly visible.

The spontaneous tendency to assume your group shares characteristics—such as niceness, or smarts—is called essentialism.

What really works is to tell the child, “I will not be upset with you if you peeked, and if you tell the truth, I will be really happy.” This is an offer of both immunity and a clear route back to good standing. Talwar explained this latest finding: “Young kids are lying to make you happy—trying to please you.” So telling kids that the truth will m