The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes, in between steps 3 and 4, we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4.

Even readers who never emerge from the self-induced misery of this exercise might see how powerfully this type of thinking blocks compassion, both for oneself and for others.

Mourning in NVC is the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect.

While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.

In short, how we ask for change reflects the value system we’re trying to support.

when we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs.

It is the word should, as in “I should have known better” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” Most of the time when we use this word with ourselves, we resist learning, because should implies that there is no choice.

Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs. A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.