No More Mr. Nice Guy

In “primitive” societies, Bly writes, the boys are pretty much raised by the women until early adolescence. When it is time for the boys to leave the sphere of female influence and move into the men’s world, the men of the tribe stage a raid. They put on their war paint, enter the village, and steal the boys away. The women, on cue, weep, protest,

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths: ■They are not bad ■They don’t have to do anything to win other people’s approval ■They don’t have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes ■People can love them just as they are

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.

This process begins by just talking about himself. This in itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice Guy can begin revealing the things about himself that he is the least comfortable letting others see. Once trust has been established, he can begin

Thankfully my early recovery process took me in the healthier direction of learning how to be honest and transparent, set boundaries, live with integrity, love myself, make my needs a priority, express my wants, embrace my passion, and connect with men.

Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad.

When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn’t kill him, he may also realize that he doesn’t have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.

Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.

It bothered Joe when his wife was in this mood. In an attempt to relieve his anxiety, he would ask his wife what was wrong. After a little coaxing, she would spend the next couple of hours venting to Joe about how mistreated she was at work. Joe would listen and offer helpful suggestions, hoping that by doing so, she would get over her mood.