that this essential Self is who we really are.

One theme of this book is that how we think about and relate to the inhabitants of our inner worlds translates directly to how we think about and relate to people. If we live in fear of and strive to control certain parts of us, we will do the same to people who resemble those parts.

Other managers don’t want us to feel good about ourselves for fear that we’ll take risks and get hurt. They protect us by tearing us apart. They are the self-hating parts of us who will sabotage anything that might make us feel good. They may let us try meditation or other spiritual practices, but usually just to reduce stress rather than to

product of their traumatic or neglectful histories,

Because this willpower ethic has become internalized, we learn at an early age to shame and manhandle our unruly parts.

IFS is a loving way of relating internally (to your parts) and externally (to the people in your life), so in that sense, IFS is a life practice, as well. It’s something you can do on a daily, moment-to-moment basis—at any time, by yourself or with others.

When I asked these protective parts what they’d rather do if they trusted they didn’t have to protect, they often wanted to do something opposite of the role they were in.

We often find that the harder we try to get rid of emotions and thoughts, the stronger they become.

Additionally, in IFS, when parts do take over, we don’t shame them. Instead, we get curious and use the part’s impulse as a trailhead to find what is driving it that needs to be healed.