No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

a transitional situation, a time when Henry needed to feel his mother was in control, with play time, a time when a child is best left to direct what will happen.

The most effective leaders lead with confidence, keep their sense of humor, and make it look easy.

We string them along when we are not clear and direct, usually because we don’t want to face the music. Understandably. Screaming, crying and tantrums aren’t music to anyone’s ears, but when we attempt to avoid or tiptoe around our children’s feelings, their undesirable behavior and neediness usually continue (or crop up again later), and then we a

When we feel uneasy or unsure saying “no” in a particular situation, and perhaps we try to coax, cajole, make it work for our child, she has no choice but to feel uneasy. If we worry about our child’s feelings in response to our boundaries (perhaps we tread lightly or try to console our “poor baby”), she has no choice but to feel uncomfortable with

“You don’t want me to go.”

With an older, more verbal child, you might say, “Please speak in your regular voice so that I can understand.” Or, “That yelling is hurting my ears. Please stop and talk to me. Tell me what you want.”

It is best to use the actual word “no” only occasionally, because children tune it out if we use it too much.

Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations.

Give boundaries during transitions. Young children tend to have difficulty with transitions, which means they usually need the comfort of more direction and less choice than they do at play time. They still need opportunities for autonomy, like choosing whether or not to wear their shoes to the car (if that’s an option) or the choice, “Would you li