No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

Children will sometimes persistently push limits when they have internalized feelings and stress that they need to release.

Children appreciate positive instruction and tend to tune out or resist the words “no” and “don’t”.

When we feel uneasy or unsure saying “no” in a particular situation, and perhaps we try to coax, cajole, make it work for our child, she has no choice but to feel uneasy. If we worry about our child’s feelings in response to our boundaries (perhaps we tread lightly or try to console our “poor baby”), she has no choice but to feel uncomfortable with

It is best to use the actual word “no” only occasionally, because children tune it out if we use it too much.

Speak in first person.

Don’t be afraid or take misbehavior personally.

“I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will need to take it away,” while blocking the behavior with our hands, is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late.

Acting as if we’re unruffled does not mean adopting stern expressions and voices or forcing laughter and games. It means imagining we’ve been handling these situations for so many years that we’re completely calm and comfortable, so it’s easy to be direct, definitive, and physically follow through when that’s needed.

Our responses will obviously vary from situation to situation, but they should consistently demonstrate that we’re totally unthreatened by their behavior, that we can handle it, and that it’s no big deal at all.