Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age

Once you make the decision to undergo a transition, you enter into a maelstrom that often seems chaotic and out of control. But my conversations suggest there is surprising order to these times—and a substantial number of things you can do to make them go more smoothly. Let’s start with the overall structure.

namely, the transition and renewal? How do those happen? The short answer: by choice. The person going through the experience has to choose to convert the change and upheaval into transition and renewal. The initial jolt can be voluntary or involuntary, but the transition must be voluntary. You have to make your own meaning. Let’s start with an exa

We’ve talked about the first of those issues—what causes the burst of change and what happens in the wake of the upheaval. But

lifequake: a forceful burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition, and renewal.

An autobiographical occasion is any moment when we are encouraged or obliged to reimagine who we are. It’s a narrative event, when our existing life story is altered or redirected in some way, forcing us to revisit our preexisting identity and modify it for our life going forward.

Agency is so important that even deluding yourself that you have it can improve your life. Merely understanding a problem, even if you can’t do anything about it, gives you a sense of control. By forcing yourself to learn what’s happening to you, you come to accept it. You become an agent in your own meaning-making.

They correspond to another set of tools: the three strands of our narrative identity. The first is our me story—the one in which we’re the hero, the doer, the creator; we exercise agency and, in return, feel fulfilled. The next is our we story—the one in which we’re part of a community, a family, a team; we belong to a group and, in turn, feel need

The psychologist Bessel van der Kolk defines agency as “the feeling of being in charge of your life: knowing where you stand, knowing that you have a say in what happens to you, knowing that you have some ability to shape your circumstance.” People who exhibit agency have been shown to be happier and healthier, and have a higher quality of life.

In the end, we identified three key ingredients of a well-balanced life. Let’s call them the ABCs of meaning. The A is agency—autonomy, freedom, creativity, mastery; the belief that you can impact the world around you. The B is belonging—relationships, community, friends, family; the people that surround and nurture you. The C is cause—a calling, a