Here’s how the rest of the party went. I stayed sober, which was hard for two minutes and then easy. Honestly, I stopped thinking about whether or not to drink when Jonas and Kings got absolutely blotto and Kings ended up making out with the vice principal of Jonas’s school who had recently gone through a divorce, and Jonas started tripping and fal

Looking at the list, I knew why Jonas wanted me to do it. It was important for me to look at all the ugliness that had lived—no, still lived—inside of me. Because only when you’re honest about the ugly can it start to become beautiful.

imagine a lot of gay men have these types of interactions, little pockets of flirting with strangers and acquaintances. We just don’t talk about it. Even with societal acceptance, gay men still indulge in secret behavior.

How strange that we can saw off certain parts of ourselves, so we remain confident in one area, an area that is challenging for others, only to feel completely hopeless in another.

Gus walked away. I continued to watch him, wondering what he was feeling, who he was going to call first to say that we had run into each other. Gus and I worked until we didn’t. When you get into a relationship, you both implicitly sign this contract that says “I’m going to be this person for you and you’re going to be this person for me and that’

Drinking also fills the silence during those dinners when Gus and I don’t have anything to say to each other—not because we’re angry or upset but because there’s only so much you can say to the person you’ve had dinner with almost every single night for the past five years. Wine helps erode the familiarity and boredom.

I didn’t need to ask what he had done all evening, because I knew he’d been lobotomizing himself in front of the television—scripted

Seeing Gus so independent and sure of himself, I knew that if I conquered my toxic brain and actually let myself be loved by him, it would be the greatest gift.

but with Jonas our mishap felt ordinary, expected. Two spastic people trying to find out how to fit together. Being patient with each other, embracing the mess, creating the necessary space.