Here’s how the rest of the party went. I stayed sober, which was hard for two minutes and then easy. Honestly, I stopped thinking about whether or not to drink when Jonas and Kings got absolutely blotto and Kings ended up making out with the vice principal of Jonas’s school who had recently gone through a divorce, and Jonas started tripping and

I took a deep breath and said, “Jonas, I’m burning down my life. I want to stop but I don’t know how so I just keep burning it down and soon there will be nothing left and I just, I need help. Somebody needs to tell me how to be a better person.” Jonas didn’t say anything back. He just pulled me into a hug. I barely knew him, and I still wasn’t

I’m learning the more you want things, the more likely you end up with nothing.

The confidence to dance alone at a gay bar. To know, at any moment, you could just talk to a stranger who would welcome you and no longer be alone.

Looking at the list, I knew why Jonas wanted me to do it. It was important for me to look at all the ugliness that had lived—no, still lived—inside of me. Because only when you’re honest about the ugly can it start to become beautiful.

I knew that Ethan cared about me as much as his unresolved trauma allowed. Some people are just limited. You have to meet them where they are.

I always wanted more from him. The desire never went away, was never fully satiated even when we were together. This constant longing kept me company. I actually didn’t mind it. When you’re in the closet, you learn to flatten your insides as a means of survival, so longing, by contrast, wasn’t so bad.

This was way better. I mean, not to sound straightedge and boring, but is being sober low-key more fun than drinking?

The book was called This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace, and after finishing it, I realized my brain’s been wearing, like, seven layers of clothing. Here are my main takeaways. The past few years, I’ve tried to scale back my drinking, to no success, and each time I betray myself, I feel more powerless and alcohol’s grip tightens. But the reason why