Just by Looking at Him: A Novel

I read the book and had my first drink in weeks—a farewell, if you will—but the alcohol hit different, felt joyless, almost like keeping a doctor’s appointment. I looked at my wine and said, “I don’t want to believe in you anymore. I want to believe in something else.” And even if I continued to drink, even if the books weren’t enough and I had to

The tobacco industry is an apt comparison to alcohol. Both are selling a lie perpetuated by capitalism. We’ve been led to believe that alcohol is an elixir, a social lubricant necessary to have fun and relieve anxiety, when we know through experience that drinking actually intensifies shitty feelings,

I’d stopped reflexively texting him, and it had gotten more normal having him not know the ins and outs of my days. I had stopped feeling so vulnerable going through life without an emergency contact. Honestly, committing to being sober was a huge reason why the transition wasn’t so gut-wrenching. It made me feel like a superhero. What else was I c

but with Jonas our mishap felt ordinary, expected. Two spastic people trying to find out how to fit together. Being patient with each other, embracing the mess, creating the necessary space.

I feel lucky to love exercise. Finally, an addiction that enhances my life. When I run, I stop returning my brain’s texts and I feel fully present in my body:

I’m realizing that so much of my existence was focused on outrunning what seemed to be a preordained fate of loneliness.

The sincerity of his statement kind of embarrassed me, and then I felt embarrassed for being embarrassed, because being too cool is actually the worst. “It hasn’t scared me off,” I said.

It’s like, you’re with someone for so long, words become so dull that you decide to make them fun, but somehow you end up talking like you have brain damage, and any spark of desire you have for this person gets slowly snuffed out.

I think that just speaks to the failure of dating sites in general. They’re giving you the tiniest curated piece of someone’s personality. Flops can come off as charming or witty. Meanwhile, unicorns like Jonas fail to translate.