Just by Looking at Him: A Novel

but now that our bellies are full and our brains are covered in the gauze known as alcohol, we can let our hair down and be relaxed. We talk about bigger things than How Was Your Day? We express anxieties and fears. Future plans.

His digital footprint was itty-bitty, and it was clear that he had built a life that was more IRL than URL. How fucking sexy.

All I’m saying is, sex is a great way to learn about yourself. Self-discovery doesn’t always have to be painful.” “Says the man who bottomed once.” “I’m saying, go fuck someone. It’ll be good for you.” “I’ve been fucking enough people. All I’ve discovered about myself is that I’m deeply messed up.” “You’re not deeply messed up,” Ethan said. “You ju

Is that why people stay in relationships? Just so they can have someone to tell their stories to, someone who cares if they got home dead or alive, someone who’s thinking of them first thing in the morning and last at night? I’m not asking as a judgment. It makes complete sense.

The confidence to dance alone at a gay bar. To know, at any moment, you could just talk to a stranger who would welcome you and no longer be alone.

But everyone’s secretly in a lot of pain, right? They are. They have to be. Existence is painful. I’d like nothing more than to quit drinking and hiring sex workers and be content and that would be my story. But I’m not stupid enough to believe life is that easy or clean. I could quit those things and still not be okay. Sometimes I think I surround

The tobacco industry is an apt comparison to alcohol. Both are selling a lie perpetuated by capitalism. We’ve been led to believe that alcohol is an elixir, a social lubricant necessary to have fun and relieve anxiety, when we know through experience that drinking actually intensifies shitty feelings,

A part of this was for me. I’d been living in that purgatory of knowing things needed to change but being unwilling to actually do anything about it. I felt myself, for the first time, being nudged toward doing something.

I think that just speaks to the failure of dating sites in general. They’re giving you the tiniest curated piece of someone’s personality. Flops can come off as charming or witty. Meanwhile, unicorns like Jonas fail to translate.