Just by Looking at Him: A Novel

It was time for me to become the boy with the most cake, I decided. It was time for me to get everything and anything I wanted.

At best, we were social drinkers, but before we knew it there we were, getting cases of natural wine delivered, joining wine clubs. At first, we felt sinful for splitting a bottle of wine each night (“Is this a lot or is it just us being adults?”), and over time opening two bottles became the norm. For the last few years, I’ve basically had a const

I think that just speaks to the failure of dating sites in general. They’re giving you the tiniest curated piece of someone’s personality. Flops can come off as charming or witty. Meanwhile, unicorns like Jonas fail to translate.

It’s like, you’re with someone for so long, words become so dull that you decide to make them fun, but somehow you end up talking like you have brain damage, and any spark of desire you have for this person gets slowly snuffed out.

Gus likes it, though. I can tell. He loves playing the part. It goes back to him secretly being an assimilationist gay. He likes being “normal.” He likes feeling secure. He likes talking to other gay men who have a big nice house in Los Feliz and are showing us pictures of their expensive wedding and, oh my god, kids? We’re not sure. But probably!

Looking at the list, I knew why Jonas wanted me to do it. It was important for me to look at all the ugliness that had lived—no, still lived—inside of me. Because only when you’re honest about the ugly can it start to become beautiful.

I knew that Ethan cared about me as much as his unresolved trauma allowed. Some people are just limited. You have to meet them where they are.

I’m learning the more you want things, the more likely you end up with nothing.

The tobacco industry is an apt comparison to alcohol. Both are selling a lie perpetuated by capitalism. We’ve been led to believe that alcohol is an elixir, a social lubricant necessary to have fun and relieve anxiety, when we know through experience that drinking actually intensifies shitty feelings,