Seeing Gus so independent and sure of himself, I knew that if I conquered my toxic brain and actually let myself be loved by him, it would be the greatest gift.

Here’s how the rest of the party went. I stayed sober, which was hard for two minutes and then easy. Honestly, I stopped thinking about whether or not to drink when Jonas and Kings got absolutely blotto and Kings ended up making out with the vice principal of Jonas’s school who had recently gone through a divorce, and Jonas started tripping and fal

In the beginning of a relationship, it seems like all you do is look. You want to know this person, figure them out so you can carve out the perfect-sized space for them to fit into your life. This involves paying attention, making notes, asking questions. Then, after a certain point, when you’ve created the space and they fit, you get complacent.

but with Jonas our mishap felt ordinary, expected. Two spastic people trying to find out how to fit together. Being patient with each other, embracing the mess, creating the necessary space.

I tried to focus on him and how he was feeling rather than how he was making me feel. It’s so embarrassing that this is something I had to think about, that it took concentrated effort. But the ultimate irony of being insecure is that you’re consumed with your least favorite subject: yourself.

“The only reason why it tastes good to you is because you’ve had practice. Your taste buds realized you weren’t going to stop drinking poison, so they had to adapt and learn how to like it.”

It was time for me to become the boy with the most cake, I decided. It was time for me to get everything and anything I wanted.

So many discussions around relationships feel binary. You’re either struggling or you’re not. You’re either content or you’re miserable. These narratives are easier to follow and allow us to think, Well, if X isn’t happening, then we’re okay. The truth is much more complicated and terrifying. You could love someone and want to lose them at the same

imagine a lot of gay men have these types of interactions, little pockets of flirting with strangers and acquaintances. We just don’t talk about it. Even with societal acceptance, gay men still indulge in secret behavior.