ROADMAP FOR INTRODUCING COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION

How does not talking about your feelings impact your partner? How does it impact your relationship?

HELPING AN ANGRY PROTECTOR UNBLEND 1. Validate the anger. Make eye contact, be compassionate, and be present. Speak to the protector directly: “Given that this is your experience…” 2. Validate and empathize with the underlying need. See the exiles beneath the rage. “Your need to be heard makes complete sense…” 3. Challenge the behavior and name the

To call attention to the feelings and needs underneath painful interactions, we not only unpack the couple’s external, interpersonal dynamics, we also unpack their internal, intrapersonal dynamics, which motivate protectors. As long as protectors keep activating over the course of therapy, we track their interactions.

In many cases, the couple’s protectors will be blaming each other, and they will be stuck in a painful, self-absorbed “I” state that feeds on disconnection. Our goal, which we convey early on, is to help them reclaim their “we” state.

have a second question for you both. You have not listened or spoken about this with each other fully. What has that cost you? Again, take a moment to listen inside. When you’re ready, speak for the parts you notice.

Take a minute with my next question. What is the panic trying to communicate?

“What do you hear yourself saying to yourself about you, your partner, or this relationship?” • Explanation: “I ask what you hear yourself saying about yourself and other people because protective parts try to keep us safe by telling us stories. Though they mean well, their stories are usually colored by past experience and can seriously distort

I think it’ll make a big difference, but let’s try it out and you can tell me if I’m right.