Internal Family Systems Couple Therapy Skills Manual: Healing Relationships with Intimacy From the Inside Out

Why are you here? • How do you feel about being different from each other? • What do you hope for in your relationship? • What do you wish to achieve in therapy? • What do you fear most?

The term affect regulation describes an individual’s ability to modulate strong emotional states and stay present. This skill is critical for couples.

There are two kinds of direct access: explicit and implicit. In explicit direct access, the therapist names the blended part and asks for permission to speak to it directly (“I hear this part has something important to say but is not yet ready to make room for you. How about if I talk to it while you listen?”).

THE AIMS OF COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION • Promote unblending and co-regulation. • Help the couple move safely from content to process. • Help the protective system trust that a different way of communicating will bring relief. • Invite vulnerable parts to be seen and heard.

Underneath every protector and every conflict between protectors, we find exiled emotional pain.

the relevant question is what happens every time they get into conflict and why their protective parts keep doing this regardless of content.

“When your partner does X, what happens inside you?”

And when the two of you try to talk about it, what happens?

Courageous communication requires attuned listening and responsible self-disclosure. Listening and speaking skillfully are both necessary. No one can be present and attentive if their internal system is fighting, fleeing, or numbing.