Internal Family Systems Couple Therapy Skills Manual: Healing Relationships with Intimacy From the Inside Out

Why are you here? • How do you feel about being different from each other? • What do you hope for in your relationship? • What do you wish to achieve in therapy? • What do you fear most?

To call attention to the feelings and needs underneath painful interactions, we not only unpack the couple’s external, interpersonal dynamics, we also unpack their internal, intrapersonal dynamics, which motivate protectors. As long as protectors keep activating over the course of therapy, we track their interactions.

Fearful protectors often: • Move quickly to find a solution to the perceived problem • Shut down the conversation by “agreeing to disagree” • Stop listening and focus on formulating a counter-response because they believe listening signals agreement

In many cases, the couple’s protectors will be blaming each other, and they will be stuck in a painful, self-absorbed “I” state that feeds on disconnection. Our goal, which we convey early on, is to help them reclaim their “we” state.

I think it’ll make a big difference, but let’s try it out and you can tell me if I’m right.

Are you open to trying a little experiment with me to find out?

parts who have concerns about the conversation to come. Let’s start by having both of you listen inside before you speak. As you listen inside and think about starting to talk about your sexual relationship, what parts do you notice?

Mateo, let’s slow down and notice the fear. Where is it in your body?

Having the faculty to pause, make a U-turn, and unblend from intense reactivity lays the groundwork for self-soothing and returning to calm connection during or following a difficult interpersonal interaction.