I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

“What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel?” “If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?” “What if that were my [child/parent/job/dog/etc.]?”

“I don’t blame you for being worried, especially if she told you she’d call an hour ago…” Notice how that response 1) identifies a specific emotion (worry), and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion (it’s been over an hour since she expected to hear from her daughter). This response shows your friend that you not only hear how she’s feel

The truly good listeners of the world do more than just listen. They listen, seek to understand, and then validate. That third point is the secret sauce—the magic ingredient.

Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation and looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation with the other person and feeling

In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

How will you know if you’re avoiding it? Simply look for invalidating statements. Are you telling yourself to “suck it up” or “stop worrying”? Are you trying to convince yourself that “it’s fine”? These

“fine.” But “fine” isn’t an emotion. It’s how you’re categorizing your current emotion. “Okay,” you say, “I’m feeling good.” Nope. Still not an emotion. “Right. I’m feeling happy.” There we go. Happy is an emotion, and something others can relate to.

“But what if there’s really nothing to worry about?” you ask. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the other person is worrying and wants someone to see and appreciate that.

Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.