into a new me didn’t exist. Perhaps I was going to spend my entire life fighting my own existence and then just . . . die.

I don’t mean to say I believe in fate. I just mean I’ve always felt like the chaotic one trying to figure out how to fit into the world around me. Now in this isolation, it seems like the world is disjointed and figuring itself out, and I’m the one with some type of order, waiting on the world to find its axis again.

I need to come into my body. But when you have a body, you have a shadow. When you have a shadow, you have clay feet. I didn’t want to feel that vulnerable. But how can you surrender to God without vulnerability? The truth is, I had to keep a distance from everyone and everything, including myself. I want to engage with my life now. I know I’m stil