How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

“My father turned to me as if he had been waiting all his life to hear my question,” says a character in one of J. D. Salinger’s novels. Was I listened to like that? Did I matter that way?

Watching your every move, even if it comes from a desire to protect you, is not attention but intrusion or surveillance. In truly loving attention, you are noticed not scrutinized. Overprotectiveness is a rejection of your power (and thus of you). Authentic attention comes to you any time, not just when you present a problem.

In attention, you are heard and noticed. In acceptance, you are embraced as worthy, not compared to your siblings but trusted, empowered, understood, and fully approved of as you are in your uniqueness. You sense a kindly support of your path, no matter how unusual; of your feelings, no matter how disturbing; of your deficiencies, no matter how irr

Mindfulness is an elegant Buddhist practice that brings our bare attention to what is going on in the here and now. It does this by freeing us of our mental habit of entertaining ourselves with ego-based fears, desires, expectations, evaluations, attachments, biases, defenses, and so on.

The hospitable sanctuary and the generous waters of an oasis can be enjoyed for one day or many, but not forever. Sooner or later they will cloy, and our hearts will long for what comes next.

We do not allow others to control us once we are healthy, but we do understand and feel their pain when we realize that control is a compulsion. Most controlling people cannot help themselves; they are not in control of the controlling. They are not insulting us by trying to control us; rather, they automatically take charge and dominate people and

The original emotional needs of life were fulfilled in the holding environments of the womb, our nursing mother’s arms, the warmth of our home, and parental protection, which are the requisite loci of serene development. In such a safe and embracing environment, children feel they are living in a folder of security that is also roomy enough for the

If we found total satisfaction in childhood, we would have no motivation to reach out to the wider world. The journey of adulthood begins when we leave, as we must, the secure nest provided by father and mother and try to find a partner in the adult world. Without such a need we might be seduced by the comfort of home, isolate ourselves from the la

The main psychological tools are working through personal and childhood conundrums with a commitment to identify, process, and resolve issues so that you may change and grow. The spiritual tools are letting go of ego, increasing mindfulness, and cultivating an ethic of compassion.

Western psychology places major importance on building a sense of self or ego. Buddhism, in contrast, places major importance on letting go of the illusion of a freestanding, fixed solid self. These views seem contradictory until we…

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