How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration

An Action occurs (open to any interpretation) My Belief interprets the action in a specific way A Consequence occurs: the feeling based on the belief that was triggered by the action So A: What happened B: What I believe C: What I feel It may seem that A led to C. But B, the disappeared middle, requires attention. A can only get to C through B! In

If our self-actualization means that our inner work must all be done and we must be perfect, we are choosing never to be happy. No human being is perfect like that, except momentarily. If integration means wholly containing a process, then, as St. Catherine of Siena says, “All the way to heaven is heaven.” We are complete now and all along the path

Grief work applies to everything we lose or leave. It includes as normal stages: anger, denial (disbelief), bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are repeated in different sequences over and over throughout our lives, but each time with less debilitating charge and more personal empowerment.

For example, you grieve how your parents refused to listen to you in childhood. Now in adult life, you notice that you still hide your feelings from most people. This secretiveness may be your lifelong over-reaction to an original injunction from parents who were afraid to know you. Now you are afraid to let others know you.

What was missed can never be made up for, only mourned and let go of.

You can be informed by others’ behavior rather than affected by it. You can observe the behavior of others without having to react to it or to be controlled by it. You operate from your own repertory of responses that uphold you no matter what others do, say, or mean to you.

Every relationship includes some hurt You may hold on to your indignation or to the pursuit of vengeance after being offended by someone. This maintains your grievance and prevents you from ever getting on with mutual commitment. Resentments that are worked through and dropped are the pathfinders to commitment. Resentments that are avenged, held on

Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, disappointment, humiliation, isolation, etc. are not feelings but beliefs. Each of these judgments keeps us caught in our story and blinded to the bare fact of loss. Each is a subtle form of blame. Each assuages, coddles, and justifies our bruised ego. Each distracts us from the true feelings of grief. Grievances d

Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate. Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger turned inward.

Negative only means not yet redeemed by conscious integration.