Gratitude, Desire, and a Money Paradox

I realized that my desires require time and attention much more than money. It was a paradox: What I wanted was to not ever have to worry about money again. Instead, all I worried about was money. As Tim Ferris said, “An obsession with security breeds a feeling of insecurity.”

What I really want in life are experiences, activities, and states of being, not possessions.

More often, money showed up implicitly. It was the quicksand on which other desires seemed to rest. Money would provide freedom and security. Money would allow me to travel and pursue whatever work I found rewarding. Money was the wall behind which I could shield myself from the world’s pressures and do as I please.

A couple of months ago I pursued a new habit. Every night I pulled out a pad of paper and filled a blank page with answers to the question “What do I want in life?” (This is an exercise based on Jim O’Shaughnessy’s excellent six-part Thinker & Prover thread.) Unearthing my desires was painstaking work.

Money was supposed to provide safety. Instead, an obsession with money made me feel anxious and inadequate...   I was also setting myself up to feel miserable. Because, frankly, I haven’t been very good at money—at making it, compounding it, keeping track of it, and protecting it. Using money as a scorecard was bound to lead to perpetual ... See more