Good Inside

it’s especially critical for kids, who need to feel that their parents recognize and permit their feelings and that their feelings do not take over and bleed into decision-making.

“My child is upset inside. His outside behavior is not a true indication of how he feels about me. He’s a good kid having a hard time.”

This is a scary circuit to build, because it leads to teens and adults who don’t trust themselves and cannot locate intuition. Instead, they use other people’s treatment of them to define who they are and what they deserve.

Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.

Now you have your job description: keep your child safe, emotionally and physically, using boundaries, validation, and empathy.

When things feel tough, I remind myself of this ultimate “two things are true” statement: I am a good parent having a hard time.

The goal is to teach our kids how to manage all of their feelings and perceptions and thoughts and urges; we are the primary vehicle for this teaching, not through lectures or logic, but through the experiences our children have with us.

Generally speaking, relationships with parents that include responsiveness, warmth, predictability, and repair when things feel bad set a child up to have a secure base.