women have more real friends; men have more deal friends.[46]

Clever boy. I stopped short. He was on the money of course—our kids know us shockingly well. But I asked him what he meant anyway. “You don’t have very many real friends,” he said. “You know lots of important people, though, and you do each other favors. Those are deal friends, not real friends.”

Do you have real friends—or deal friends?

Passionate love, which relies on attraction, does not typically last beyond the novelty stage of the relationship. Companionate love relies on its very familiarity. As one researcher bluntly summarizes the evidence in the Journal of Happiness Studies, “The well-being benefits of marriage are much greater for those who also regard their spouse as

The secret to happiness isn’t falling in love; it’s staying in love, which depends on what psychologists call “companionate love”—love based less on passionate highs and lows and more on stable affection, mutual understanding, and commitment.[34]

Romance often hijacks our brains in a way that can cause the highs of elation or the depths of despair.[33] You might accurately say that falling in love is the start-up cost for happiness—an exhilarating but stressful stage we have to endure to get to the relationships that actually fulfill us.

Satisfaction comes not from chasing bigger and bigger things, but paying attention to smaller and smaller things.

list stuff I don’t actually want, like a boat or a house on Cape Cod. Rather, I go to my weaknesses, which usually involve the admiration of others. I’m embarrassed to admit that, but it’s true.

Each year on my birthday, I list my worldly wants and attachments—the stuff that fits under Thomas’s categories of money, power, pleasure, and honor. I try to be completely honest. I don’t