Forgetting and becoming

To this day, my greatest fear in life is to never be able to truly understand his identity as a man—to fully grasp how much he sacrificed, how much he cared, how hard he tried—and how much we may share as adults. That I, perhaps, will understand we were both just two men who, at their core, were trying nothing more than to grasp the hard truth that

I’ve come to comprehend now, fifteen years after his death, that, even after accomplishing all that he did as an entrepreneur and a family man, my father knew deep down that he was still just a lost boy on the run, someone who has spent his whole life sprinting away from a painfully clear starting line but without a strong sense as to where he was

Instead of thinking of yourself as a separate object from the world, like a pinball in a machine, it’s maybe just more accurate to think of yourself as a drop in the ocean. This can be a scary idea, in the sense that it forces you to confront the arbitrariness and flux of existence. But it can also be a relaxing alternate frame—it’s a way of lookin

To the degree that my quest had an object, that object turned out to be learning to live with uncertainty and incapacity.