Reconciliation can be a powerful engine for personal growth.

I’ve learned from therapy that you’ve got to help yourself, and you’ve got to make sure that you’re healthy before you can deal with anybody else’s drama.

The first step in Sanjay’s boundary-setting process was to change his expectations. In particular, he accepted the fact that his father would provoke him. Rather than trying to change his father, he determined to alter his own emotional reactivity to the provocation:

State clearly what you are willing to change.

best when the conditions under which you will try again are specifically and clearly laid out.

make the terms of the reconciliation as specific as possible.

high, cutting it off serves as an escape valve. This idea, in particular,

As I uncovered in my interviews, estrangement provides an escape from chronic anxiety about the relationship.

key insight of Bowen theory is that people cut off a relative not because they no longer care but because they may care too much. When the emotional intensity of a relationship becomes too