The detached partner’s view of the world and their place in it is skewed because they carry a fundamental misunderstanding about relationships and love. The old equations from childhood are still logged in the back of their head and intercepting all decisions before their rational adult mind can even process them.

A damaged man is incapable of love because he does not believe love will be freely given, only earned through works. He seeks false intimacy in lust and mistakes sex for acceptance.

If I’m lonely in my marriage, what sorts of connecting activities are missing? If I’m fearful, what would calm my concerns and help me feel more secure?

Sharing their wants and needs risks letting the other person see this evil thing, which will inevitably lead to rejection and abandonment.

The bewildered husband has truly worked hard to fix the problem without ever understanding what the problem is. Meanwhile, his wife has worked diligently to give him as much support as she can. Unfortunately, the nature of the problem means the bewildered husband has never found what makes him happy because he cannot be happy without emotional

In fact, the worse she gets, the closer you are to breaking through her final line of defense. She is becoming invested, starting to hope, and that terrifies her.

who expect their partner to understand instinctively how to help them, and who create secretive negotiations based on works and perceived debts.

“You’ve taken everything I have,” exhausted wives say. “I have nothing left for you. Maybe it’s best if you just find someone else who can give you whatever you’re looking for.”

Because it isn’t a choice between death or divorce. Divorce would be like death for the kids. So the choice is between death in her heart or death for her kids. No choice at all. Silent suffering for eternity.