The truth is that vulnerability is not a weakness. Vulnerability takes control of a conversation and forces the other person to react to the openness. Either the person can choose to embrace the vulnerability and become vulnerable themselves, thus building an intimacy between the two parties, or they can reject the vulnerability and run in fear.

but studies seem to indicate that attachment develops in infants under 6 months old and continues developing throughout childhood.

Rather than stating their own need for intimacy, each partner has tried offering sex to the other as a means of making up when their partner seems upset at them.

Spouse 1: “Honey, I really feel disconnected from you lately because we haven’t had much time together. I need to get some quality time with you. What’s it gonna take to make that work?”

Not only does the spouse have needs which must be met, the detached person also has secret needs they’ve never shared with anyone.

Now that we acknowledge endless fluffing will never save a marriage, the only recourse is to sit down at the negotiation table and hammer out a trade.

It is not your wife’s fault you were damaged, carried that damage into the marriage, and inflicted wounds on her. It is not your wife’s fault for not trusting you. Whether you understood your own reasons or not, you inflicted repeated pain on her and on those all around you whom she also loves.

Then he’s suddenly cheerful again, but only until the next cycle of perceived rejection.

For people with healthy attachments, every interaction is a chance to increase intimacy. For people with unhealthy attachments, every interaction is a chance to destroy everything they love.