Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands: Why your marriage is hurting, and how to blossom as a couple

Not only does the spouse have needs which must be met, the detached person also has secret needs they’ve never shared with anyone.

You’ve just stated your need. Now, along with your already extended left hand, you hold out your right hand palm upward and say, “What’s it gonna take?”

Simmering dissatisfaction stews just under the surface of their desperate clawing for approval, and this resentment explodes to the surface in patterns of frequent displays of hurtful anger, followed by a plunge deeper into doormat behavior as they fearfully seek to avoid abandonment for having lashed out.

Then he’s suddenly cheerful again, but only until the next cycle of perceived rejection.

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“I’ve been feeling lonely and need to spend quality time with you.” “It’s been several days since we had sex and I need us to have some fun.” “I feel cooped up in the house and need to get out for a while.”

What all this deception and subterfuge creates is a relationship system of blind bartering where each partner is trying to predict what the other side wants. When a partner gets it wrong, their counterpart lashes out with passive-aggressive behavior to send a message through pain that the wrong exchange price was offered.

Rather, what is likely to happen is the spouse will do one of two things. They may say, “Yeah, I’d really like that too, but first ______.” The other usual reaction is, “Okay, sure, I’d be happy to do that. Can you do _____ for me?”

Craig says that Erin used to “chase” him for sex at the beginning and made him “feel wanted,” but now he feels continuously rejected. To Craig, Erin’s lack of sex drive is a direct condemnation of his worth as a man.