Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. In order to commune with the one we love, we must be able to tolerate this void and its pall of uncertainties.

holding the lens squarely on the physical act of sex—sex as a performance—is a decidedly unerotic approach. It is too narrow an angle. To me, it seems that James is overwhelmed by the whole prospect of being sexual with his wife: claiming desire, eroticizing her, feeling free to express the bawdiness of his lust with her.

Renowned therapist Esther Perel also speaks of the chasm between our wish for security and our hunger for excitement. The erotic equation seems to be the answer to our problems, but she acknowledges that knowing this is one thing, while what do we do about it is a whole other dynamic. Through this book we will come back to this quandary in many