For him, the content of the porn may express parts of himself he may not be able to express nonsexually.

They describe six principles to recognize if your sexual behaviors are healthy or not: 1. Consent 2. Non-exploitive 3. Safer Sex 4. Honesty 5. Shared Values 6. Mutually Pleasurable

Problems sometime arise when a man is caught by his female partner looking at pornography, which the partner views as cheating. I have had women tell me in my office that finding his porn is like finding him in bed with another woman. This is a subtler and often more challenging problem than if his partner had found him in bed with another woman.

Porn can certainly be used “instead of” a partner though. But then it is a relationship or attachment problem, not a porn problem.

To believe that an injured partner should be shamed for staying and working things out seems to be in conflict with our cultural message that marriage and relationships matter and should be fought for. Infidelity has been with us since the institution of marriage began. Therefore, it is important as a society to come to terms with the reality, to f

Many people think that if the relationship gets better, then the sex will get better as well, or vice versa. Both are a myth.

“The dilemmas of love and desire are way too complex to yield simple answers of good and bad, victim and perpetrator, right and wrong.”

Nothing can ever be deleted. Privacy is not a priority at this time. If not, the injured partner cannot learn to trust again. Over time, the injured partner needs to understand that total transparency is no longer useful and needs to prepare for that to end and learn to trust in the dark. This is not easy.

However, if the couple is willing to talk openly in a therapist’s office about this, about their inner fantasies for which porn provides an outlet, a great deal of healing and strengthening of the relationship can happen.