To avoid having those conversations people “act out” their fantasies and sexual desires and even romantic desires with someone for whom it won’t matter if they are judged or criticized.

which is more likely erotic differences.

Affairs don’t necessarily indicate a bad marriage. People cheat for myriad reasons. Some of my clients have told me they cheated because they were too afraid or ashamed to talk to their partner about their sexual preferences or fantasies.

This talk about infidelity must happen in a controlled situation, i.e. in the presence of a therapist, or in some other ritualized and controlled setting or healing space.

At the same time, the involved partner must be willing to talk about it openly, and way beyond his or her comfort level. The involved partner has to be willing to listen to the pain of the injured partner for as long as is needed to begin to lessen the trauma and emotions around the infidelity, and to begin to rebuild trust.

So there needs to be two separate, parallel conversations, one about the emotional health within relationships and the other about sexual health within the relationship.

I help couples by decoding the nonsexual narrative of the porn that they discover.

Asking for an appointment with a partner to talk about the topic and putting time limits on the conversation are helpful to keeping things contained and effective in communication.

Our erotic orientation—our behaviors, fantasies, and preferences—do not always match up with the society’s (or our own) expectations about someone’s sexual orientation.