![Preview of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41gamHf2iFL.jpg)
updated 3mo ago
updated 3mo ago
The first question is “How did we each contribute to bringing about the current situation?” Or put another way: “What did we each do or not do to get ourselves into this mess?” The second question is “Having identified the contribution system, how can we change it? What can we do about it as we go forward?”
Using such words invites an argument over the question of frequency: “That’s not true. I said several nice things to you last year when you won the interoffice new idea competition”—a response that will most likely increase your exasperation.
“Making sure that none of this hurt our friendship” sounds like you’re going to put words in his mouth. It’s a little controlling. If you’re going to ask a question, make sure it’s an open question. Just ask him how he’s feeling about your friendship. If the problem did hurt your friendship, you want him to be open about saying so.
Most difficult conversations focus significant attention on who’s to blame for the mess we’re in.
Your Intentions Are Complex.
“I understand that you are determined to have your article reviewed this week, and I’m still not persuaded that I should spend my vacation doing it.”
In a difficult conversation your primary task is not to persuade, impress, trick, outwit, convert, or win over the other person. It is to express what you see and why you see it that way, how you feel, and maybe who you are. Self-knowledge and the belief that what you want to share is important will take you significantly further than eloquence and
... See moreAvoiding the Second Mistake: Listen for Feelings, and Reflect on Your Intentions
Ask Their Advice. “Help me understand how you would feel and how you might think about the situation, if you were in my shoes. What would you do? Why? Could you imagine a way of staying that would not end up making it more likely that something like this would happen again?”
When you find yourself in this situation, let the other person know that you want to listen and that you care about what they have to say, but that you can’t listen right now. Often it’s enough to give a headline of what you’re thinking: “I’m surprised to hear you say that. I think I disagree, but say more about how you see it,” or “I have to admit
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