Teach her to reject likeability. Her job is not to make herself likeable, her job is to be her full self, a self that is honest and aware of the equal humanity of other people.

Give yourself room to fail. A new mother does not necessarily know how to calm a crying baby. Don’t assume that you should know everything. Read books, look things up on the Internet, ask older parents, or just use trial and error. But above all, let your focus be on remaining a full person. Take time for yourself. Nurture your own needs.

Feminism and femininity are not mutually exclusive.

Never speak of marriage as an achievement.

So instead of teaching Chizalum to be likeable, teach her to be honest. And kind.

The second tool is a question: Can you reverse X and get the same results?

Language is the repository of our prejudices, our beliefs, our assumptions.

A husband is not a headmaster. A wife is not a schoolgirl. Permission and being allowed, when used one-sidedly—and it is nearly only used that way—should never be the language of an equal marriage.

We teach girls to be likeable, to be nice, to be false.