Come as You Are: the bestselling guide to the new science that will transform your sex life

You feel anger (“I’m at risk!”—as we’ll see in the attachment section, the people we love get counted as “ourselves”), and you fight.

Improve your context, and your sexual pleasure will expand all on its own.

I’ll present a view of stress different from those you may have heard before: The key to managing stress (so that it doesn’t mess with your sex life) is not simply “relaxing” or “calming down.” It’s allowing the stress response cycle to complete. Allow it to discharge fully. Let your body move all the way from “I am at risk” to “I am safe.”

Having an attractive partner who respects them and accepts them as they are • Feeling trusting and affectionate in their relationship • Being confident and healthy—both emotionally and physically • Feeling desired by their partner, being approached in a way that makes them feel special • Explicit erotic cues, like erotica or porn, or hearing or see

Here’s an exercise to help increase self-compassion:24 1. Write a description of a situation that you’re beating yourself up about—it can be anything from an aspect of your sexual functioning to your romantic relationship (or lack thereof) to your work to your body or anything else. Be sure to include the self-critical thoughts you’re battering you

If there were a food that consistently made you sick, you’d stop eating it. So if there’s media that makes you feel more self-critical, stop looking at it. As you’re looking at movies or television or porn or magazines, ask yourself, “After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?” If the answer is “better!” the

Let these self-critical thoughts go, let the judgments go, and notice only the things you like.

for most of us self-indulgence takes the form of binge-watching Netflix or eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting because “I deserve it,” instead of feeling our Feels. Self-indulgence is a form of freeze, sedating the lion instead of escaping or conquering it.

No girl is born hating her body or feeling ashamed of her sexuality. You had to learn that. No girl is born worried that she’ll be judged if someone finds out what kind of sex she enjoys. You had to learn that, too.