Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Revised and Updated)

“Undependence” is a term Penelope Russianoff uses to describe that desirable balance wherein we acknowledge and meet our healthy, natural needs for people and love, yet we don’t become overly or harmfully dependent on them.

Needing people too much can cause problems. Other people become the key to our happiness. I believe much of this centering our lives around other people goes hand in hand with codependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity. I believe much of this incessant approval seeking also comes from insecurity. The magic is in others, not us, we bel

“I didn’t know I was wounded,” said one sufferer. “I just limped when I walked.”

We’re like singers in a large chorus. If the person next to us goes off-key, must we also? Wouldn’t it help them, and us, if we strived to stay on key? We can learn to hold our part.

The formula is simple: in any given situation, detach and ask, What do I need to do to take care of myself ? Then listen to your higher self and respect what you hear.

In love and dignity, speak the truth—as we think, feel, and know it—and it shall set us free.

Giving ourselves what we need means becoming our own counselors, confidantes, spiritual advisors, partners, best friends, and caretakers in this exciting, new venture we have undertaken—living our own lives.

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

Sometimes, we prefer to stay angry. It helps us feel less vulnerable and more powerful. It’s a protective shield. If we’re angry, we won’t feel hurt or scared, at least not noticeably so.