Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Few situations in life are ever improved by not taking care of ourselves and not giving ourselves what we need.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.

To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance—which means to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either ourselves or anyone else.

If you want to act crazy that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave or I’ll walk away. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that’s your business—but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

“This is as far as I go. This is my limit. I will not tolerate this.”

they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.

Boundaries are limits that say: “This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won’t do for you. This is what I won’t tolerate from you.”

We are just used to so much turmoil and excitement that peace seems bland at first. We’ll get used to it. As we develop our lives, set our goals, and find things to do that interest us, peace will become comfortable—more comfortable than chaos. We will no longer need nor desire excited misery.

But, after we’ve detached and taken our grip off the people around us, what’s left? Each of us is left with ourselves.

… If I can accept that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I have done what I have done—if I can accept it whether I like all of it or not—then I can accept myself.