Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

When I get to the point where I’m like, Screw this! It’s just too hard. I’m too lost! I hear Maya Angelou’s words again: The price is high. The reward is great.

First, approach bullshitting with generosity when possible. Don’t assume that people know better and they’re just being malicious or mean-spirited. In highly charged discussions, we can feel shame about not having an informed opinion and these feelings of “not enough” can lead us to bullshitting our way through a conversation.

One of the key pieces of advice I give my executive and graduate students is to explicitly address the underlying intentions. What is the conversation about, and what is it really about?

We are all worthy of telling our stories and having them heard. We all need to be seen and honored in the same way that we all need to breathe.”

All of these responses are normally code for Your emotion or opinion is making me uncomfortable or Suck it up and stay quiet.

The second practice is civility. I found a definition of civility from the Institute for Civility in Government that very closely reflects how the research participants talked about civility. The organization’s cofounders, Cassandra Dahnke and Tomas Spath, write: Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degradi

Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with t

That’s common enemy intimacy. I don’t really know you, nor am I invested in our relationship, but I do like that we hate the same people and have contempt for the same ideas. Common enemy intimacy is counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging.

Joseph Campbell wrote, “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”