Both/And: A Memoir

There could not have been a more stark reminder of how much constant pain he was in, all hidden by his perfectly tailored suits, his ever-present smile, his unfailing joy at the privilege of simply being alive. It took my breath away. How he found promise in life despite that pain might have been Abbu’s final lesson for me, delivered twenty-six yea

That fork in the road, a quarter of a century ago, when I left a family wedding to embark on the great unknown, turned into the most unexpected journey, the next step in a path my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had cleared for me. It took me to a place that was worth every ounce of effort, commitment, and sacrifice required to get there

If everything on earth were rational, nothing would happen. —Fyodor Dostoevsky

I sometimes floated between an American accent, a British accent, and an Arabic accent, depending on whom I was talking to, but most people who met me didn’t think I had any accent at all. I slipped in between different stereotypes and didn’t fit neatly into any one category. I was never the “other” and found I could fit in everywhere.

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.”

The grab bag of my identity served me well in Abuja. This had always been the case, ever since childhood, except for one critical aspect of my background, the weight of which I would not appreciate until I was older: being of both Indian and Pakistani heritage.

Though a lover of history, my father rarely spoke of his own past.

There were so many moments I was plagued with guilt, but I was also tugged in the other direction by the value of the work I was doing. To be a mother fighting for the kind of world I wanted my son to grow up in was just as important as being a mother who was there to tuck him in every night. Wasn’t it?

I loved living there, but I don’t know if I would look back on it so fondly if it had been the only life I’d ever known, had I not carried my American roots with me while I was there and elsewhere, had I not been certain that freedoms I couldn’t enjoy in my current reality were just a flight away.