A very short definition of codependency is trying to control another person’s emotions and behaviors so we don’t have to experience our own painful feelings. If I can get you to stay close to me, I won’t have to feel the frightening abandonment that is lurking inside me (anxious person). If I can stay far enough away from you, I won’t have to

big part of this is just being warmly witnessed and understood, but it is also important that there is safety if there has been fear, acceptance if there has been shame, comfort if there has been pain, and togetherness if there has been abandonment.

It takes time and commitment to unravel the experiences that led to you becoming anxiously attached, and heal your core wounds so you can make secure attachments based on mutual reciprocity with a partner.

we begin to form expectations of what our relationships will be like in infancy. Part of this is recorded in our ANS. If our parents aren’t able to provide warm, safe connection a good part of the time, our sympathetic fight-or-flight response is on a lot. We begin to anticipate that our closest people won’t come to help us when we feel

When the fear of abandonment is set off, anxious people often leap to try to resolve things right away. The increased anxiety of uncertainty torments them: They need answers, they need a resolution, and they need them now! Their emotions are overwhelming and expand in all directions, causing them to reach out like the many limbs of an octopus in an

My feelings and thoughts from that time made it clear that I had core wounds that led me to believe: I am not lovable and There is something wrong with me.

she would immediately call on her controlling Protector to stop the fear from overwhelming her.

Exercise: Steps to Adopt Your Full Selves and Give Them What They Need

Maybe you got made fun of at school for the way you looked or something you said, causing you to shut down parts of yourself that you learned were “not okay.”