Thus our strange relationship with the pain of grief. In the early days, we wish only for it to end; later on, we fear that it will. And when it finally does begin to ease, it also does not, because, at first, feeling better can feel like loss, too.

Psychology has names for this. Repetition. Secondary gain. Familiar distress . The language is accurate but bloodless. It doesn’t capture the aesthetic pleasure of melancholy well-worn, the satisfaction of being able to say this is why I am like this . It doesn’t account for how seductive it can feel to remain loyal to a wound rather than risk a... See more