Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

this is one of the hallmarks of an internalizer: an almost over-the-top gratitude for any kind of recognition or special affection.

You can think of the true self as an extremely accurate, self-informing neurological feedback system that points each individual toward optimal energy and functioning. The physical sensations that accompany experiencing the true self suggest that whatever this self is, it’s based in our biology as human beings. It’s the source of all gut feelings a

Again, the self-sufficiency of internalizing children tends to create the impression that they have no needs. They’re expected to be okay and get along without anyone watching over them carefully. They may be characterized as “old souls,” with their parents counting on them to do the right thing. They willingly oblige, playing a role that’s overly

Most emotionally immature people tend to be externalizers who don’t know how to calm themselves through genuine emotional engagement. When they feel insecure, instead of seeking comfort from other people they tend to feel threatened and launch into fight, flight, or freeze behaviors. They react to anxious moments in relationships with rigid, defens

Internalizers sometimes take up emotional slack by playing both parts in their interactions with people. They act as if there’s reciprocity when there isn’t. For instance, they might thank someone for being patient when they are actually the ones being inconvenienced, or they might repeatedly reach out to self-centered people with a thoughtfulness

From an early age, internalizers can seem so self-contained that emotionally immature people can’t resist leaning on them. Internalizers are so perceptive and sensible that even people they’ve never met before may instinctively trust them in a stressful situation. My client Martine described it this way: “I’m the go-to person for support and an ear

When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love. Unfortunately, being counted on isn’t the same thing as being loved, and the emotional emptiness of this strategy eventually becomes apparent. No child can be good enough to evoke love from a highly self-i

When internalizers experience a painful emotion, they’re much more likely to look sad or cry—just the sort of display an emotionally phobic parent can’t stand. On the other hand, when externalizers have strong feelings, they act them out in behavior before they experience much internal distress. Therefore, other people are likely to see externalize

Many internalizers subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person. When self-absorbed parents make excessive claims on their children’s energy and attention, they teach them that self-sacrifice is the worthiest ideal—a message that internalizing children are likely to take very seriously. These children don’t realiz