Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Sometimes overly self-sacrificing internalizers start acting out their distress through affairs or superficial sexual liaisons. They often feel tremendous shame and guilt about this and are terrified that they’ll be found out, yet they’re attracted to these liaisons as an escape from an emotionally or sexually barren life. Having an affair helps th

When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love. Unfortunately, being counted on isn’t the same thing as being loved, and the emotional emptiness of this strategy eventually becomes apparent. No child can be good enough to evoke love from a highly self-i

Although emotional intimacy and enmeshment can look superficially similar, these two styles of interaction are very different. In emotional intimacy, two individuals with fully articulated selves enjoy getting to know each other at a deep level, building emotional trust through mutual acceptance. In the process of getting to know each other, they d

“With my parents, I used to pick the good part of them I liked and pretend that was the real part. I would tell myself that this good part would eventually win out, but it never did take over. I also used to pretend that the hurtful parts of them weren’t real. But now I realize it’s all real.” When people’s defenses have become an integral part of

You might tell yourself that you should be feeling more for them, but your heart can’t resonate with their exaggerated reactions. And because they overreact so frequently, you may quickly learn to tune them out for the sake of your own emotional survival.

They’ve developed enough self-awareness to be comfortable with their own feelings, as well as those of other people.

Again, the self-sufficiency of internalizing children tends to create the impression that they have no needs. They’re expected to be okay and get along without anyone watching over them carefully. They may be characterized as “old souls,” with their parents counting on them to do the right thing. They willingly oblige, playing a role that’s overly

Especially when their parents are depressed or emotionally flat, internalizing children may take on a cheerful, lighthearted role, trying to bring happiness and liveliness into an otherwise somber family climate. With their liveliness and good sense of humor, they help others feel that things aren’t so bad. One woman described playing such a role t

But emotionally immature people have a completely unrealistic idea of what forgiveness means. To them, forgiveness should make it like the rift never happened, as though a completely fresh start is possible. They have no awareness of the need for emotional processing or the amount of time it may take to rebuild trust after a major betrayal. They ju

In their view, not fulfilling a supposed role means something is wrong with a person and the person needs to change.