It would make sense to say that, despite appearances, third-order vanity ratchets up the neuroticism, rather than quiets it down. But what I find most interesting about third-order vanity is that often its most prolific purveyors seem so lost in their role that they’re almost unaware they’re performing at all.

What’s important to the third-order vain is that they’re avoiding the pitfalls of the second-order vain, who refuse to admit just how hard they’re trying. The irony is that the third-order vain are trying too, just to achieve different ends.

I define third-order vanity not by performed modesty but by performed confidence . Think of the influencer who pouts casually for 30 versions of the same photo, edits every pixel of the chosen image, then tortures a caption about feeling hot before posting it. Now, this distinction could just be a matter of taste—some prefer to come off bashful,... See more

It felt like proof of something I’ve often sensed but have been unable to express, which is that trying too hard to control people’s impression of you is an insult to both your humanity and theirs.

This is second-order vanity. The term was coined by David Foster Wallace, in his 1987 novel The Broom of the System. “A vain person is concerned that people not perceive him as stupid, or dull, or ugly, et cetera et cetera,” his character explains—that’s first-order vain (the classic). “Now a second-order vain person is a vain person who’s also... See more