Sublime

We lose ourselves in thoughts about what is wrong, how long it will last, what we should do about it and how the pain reflects our unworthiness.

The renowned seventh-century Zen master Seng-tsan taught that true freedom is being “without anxiety about imperfection.”

Her identity was based on pleasing others and the fear of not being liked if she didn’t. In her experience, she was not a real person who deserved respect and who, without any fabrication or effort, was lovable.

Even if only one person in a relationship practices pausing and opening with Radical Acceptance, this has the potential of freeing both from a painful impasse. Pausing interrupts entrenched patterns of interaction.

Both Buddhist and Western psychology tells us that our trance of emotional reactivity begins with a universally conditioned reflex: Consciously or not, we continually assess whatever is happening as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. The smell of fresh-baked cookies—probably pleasant. A thought about a recent argument—probably unpleasant. The sound

When we pause, we don’t know what will happen next. But by disrupting our habitual behaviors, we open to the possibility of new and creative ways of responding to our wants and fears.

Radical Acceptance means bringing a clear, kind attention to our capacities and limitations without giving our fear-based stories the power to shut down our lives.

Over the years we each develop a particular blend of strategies designed to hide our flaws and compensate for what we believe is wrong with us.