Self-Erasure in Relationship
“What if boundaries and borders are actually the only way people can love each other equally and freely? What if, without those boundaries, love becomes an act of humanitarian aid?
The thing I have most wished for in this world is a love that has no borders. Which is to say unconditional love. And I thought that if I generously gave unconditional lo
... See more“It would be easy to say that this story, in which a woman confuses her choice of a partner with her choice of an identity, is ridiculous, of another era. How awful, we might say, that in 1940, we still thought of women’s identities in this way. Boys, boys, boys! How silly for a woman to put so much stock in men, to speak of them so much! Why not f
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Excerpt from CJ Hauser’s essay “Hepburn qua hepburn” in her memoir collection “The Crane Wife” page 45.
She goes onto say on the next page, “I was in my mid-twenties when I started seeing, in Liz Imbrie’s face, both pain and the stifling of pain, as Connor, not unlike Tracy, continually trots after the next thing that makes him feel like the kind of person he wants to be.”
Don’t we all want to date someone who makes us feel like the version of ourselves we like? I think that the chase from one person to the next is the toxicity at play.
She goes onto say, “In hetero relationships, my choices and desires always seem to yield more readily than men’s. I am not confident I won’t bend myself into whatever shape it is the next man requires of me. Can’t be sure that the way he sees me won’t become the way I see myself.”
INSANELY on point and relatable. I think this ties into people-pleasing behavior. Probably rooted in the patriarchy as well.
“For years I conflated tastes with identity, with depth. I pretended this was a compatibility issue, but the reality is that I was threatened by men’s tastes because I assumed they would have to become mine. By this same warped logic, I dated people whose interests I did not share but aspired to. I loved people who were more outdoorsy than me. Peop
... See more“Mood ring shades, and astrology signs, and nail-polish colors, and birthstone earrings, and personality quizzes. I accepted these cheap placeholders for any kind of realer, deeper understanding of who I was or might be. You never got to choose freely. All you could do was choose from the options presented to you. Why should love be any different?”
... See more“To conflate the choice of a romantic partner with the choice of one’s own identity might strike you as retrograde, but…who was I anyway? I was looking for someone to tell me.” -CJ Hauser, “The Crane Wife” Page 36.
When you have a weak self-concept, and are prone to people-pleasing behaviors, then you might find yourself in this predicament. Looking outward, to any relationship, to dictate who you are.
Makes me think of when people I love have made sweeping statements about me. “You’re always spilling things! You’re so messy.” If I am not careful, I might take this for truth and internalize it. Soon, I might find myself repeating to people, “I’m always spilling things. I’m a messy person.”
Ideas related to this collection