joan didion

“Vanish.
Pass into nothingness: the Keats line that frightened her.
Fade as the blue nights fade, go as the brightness goes.
Go back into the blue.
I myself placed her ashes in the wall.
I myself saw the cathedral doors locked at six.
I know what it is I am now experiencing.
I know what the frailty is, I know what the fear is.
The fear is not for what is

Do not whine... Do not complain. Work harder. Spend more time alone.

What does it cost to lose those weeks, that light, the very nights in the year preferred over all others?

Can you evadethe dying of the brightness?

Or do you evade only its waning?

Joan Didion, Blue Nights