Grief/Loss

Excerpt from “The Crane Wife” by CJ Hauser, page 32.

This reminds me of the vortex phenomenon what Joan Didion describes in her book, “The Year of Magical Thinking”—in which she is paralyzed by memories triggered by seemingly mundane circumstances as she comes to terms with her husband’s death and her daughter’s illness. In certain locations, a flood of memories overwhelms her, temporarily taking her out of the present.

The vortex effect is a deeply upsetting experience, and when Didion returns to Los Angeles, she desperately avoids places and situations that remind her of life with John and Quintana. However, she discovers that even seemingly small triggers, such as commercials or calendar dates, are capable of setting off the effect. The vortex effect is consistent with the idea that grief is a state of temporary mental illness.

Both what Hauser and Didion describe is how inexplicable and isolating a loss can feel like. And instead of trying to avoid that “silence” of being “invisibly destroyed”, both turned to writing about it, to grasp at what it could all mean. Opening up to others about our grief comes with the understanding that the person you confide in can never fully understand. When we turn to art to move through grief, we help ourselves come to our own understanding...or make peace with our lack of understanding. It’s in times of abrupt change or loss, that I am motivated to paint, or write, or sing. To create, to channel, to let it flow out of me in a new form. To really look at the pain, shine a light on it, inspect it from different angles, process it thoroughly.