Comparing becomes problematic when it is not grounded in a fundamental understanding of belonging. When comparison is rooted in separation, it becomes competitive.

Most of us are trapped in cycles of not belonging, in the anxiety that we are not normal. Even the blondest, bluest-eyed, straightest kid can feel that he doesn’t belong (he likely lost belonging to his ancestral cultures—the cost of whiteness).

At times, when I’m feeling intimidated, I can deflect to judging others, deeming them privileged or oppressive as a way to assuage my feelings of separation (separation begets domination). I’ve simply swapped the position of better-than for less-than.

Awareness (aka mindfulness), the capacity to bring our full presence to any moment, is ultimately about learning to relate to our experiences with more kindness and clarity.

We learn that appreciation, acceptance, and sometimes even love are connected to how we measure up. How could this not affect our sense of belonging?

My friend Nidhi describes not belonging like going to the mall gift shop every week and spinning the display with the personalized key rings, searching for your name even though you know you’ll never find it. We search externally for belonging (hint: it’s not out there). It took me time and practice to unlearn this outside searching, to understand

Cultural dismissal begat the word “woo-woo” and perpetuates an arrogant conviction that contemporary Western (i.e., white) approaches are more valid because they have dropped the “cultural baggage” of the past.

anything we practice we get good at, whether what we are practicing is good for us or not: I can practice being swayed by the conditioning of society or I can practice undoing these implicit biases.

We feel we don’t belong because society categorizes and ranks everything, leaving us unable to bridge the hierarchical chasms between ourselves and all we deem “not us.” We become trapped in thoughts about ourselves, missing the vital experience of being that is always present.