When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

This seeming paradox is acknowledged by Harville Hendrix in his Imago approach to relationship therapy. For example, a woman could marry a man who has some of the negative characteristics of her father, after having sworn that she would never do that. In turn, the man has chosen a woman who has some of the worst characteristics of his mother. Being

The MEM’s unconscious mind is enforcing his Disloyalty Bind. Making bad choices keeps him dependent on, and loyal to, his mother.

A MEM like Arthur seems so indecisive because he is only vaguely aware of what he wants while at the same time he is clearly aware of “what is expected of him.” Because his deeply entrenched Lost Identity supports his False Self at the expense of his True Self, a MEM cannot marshal his own will and determination to act in his own best interest. He

It can never be a son’s job to soothe his mother’s emotional wounds, lift the burden of her loneliness, or listen to her while she vents about her frustrations.

He wants to feel free to come and go without negative consequences; he needs to avoid the burden of having to placate his mother’s disappointment. But the enmeshing mother feels threatened when her adoring, loving, reassuring son now is poised to withdraw her source of emotional well-being. She feels that his departure—as natural as it is—is danger

A MEM has a core story that his unconscious is desperate to tell. When this storytelling process is allowed to happen, the MEM is then more free to be himself. He is less controlled by his unconscious templates.

The MEM caretaker fools himself into believing he has chosen a life of sacrifice rather than having it imposed upon him. Mother-son enmeshment is an inversion of the parent-child relationship. Instead of the mother being attuned to the needs of the child, the mother has insisted that the child be attuned to hers.

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SUMMARY OF HOW TO MAKE THINGS BETTER WITH SIBLINGS • Do not act out your role as a surrogate parent to your siblings. • Set boundaries with them if they are excessively needy. • If they habitually act as agents for your mother or for each other, ask them to stop. • Develop relationships with them if your connection has been damaged by the enmeshmen