Wedding Toasts I'll Never Give

every minute of making out with that man had been paid for in hours of processing at home.

I’ve been the life of the party and I’ve been a drag, broke and loaded, clinically depressed and radiantly happy. Spread out over the years, I’m a harem.

And every night you’d come home, kick off your Crocs, and say, ‘Oof, my dogs are barkin’!’ ”

able to “reobjectify” this man who day-to-day is so familiar.

Their marriage is full of tragedy and chaos and mystery and triumph, and it lasts until death. It’s one of the great love stories of all time.

Inspiring just the right amount of jealousy is a time-tested strategy for marital satisfaction,

“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished,” says Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert, whose study subjects said they’d changed hugely in the years prior but insisted they were done and in the future wouldn’t change anymore.

And yet being happy with the same person forever requires finding ways to be happy with different versions of that person, and avoiding panic when the person you’re with becomes someone you dislike. Maybe you’ll enjoy the next person they become. Maybe the person you’re on your way to becoming will like this new partner better.

Besides, trying to have fun but not too much fun can be exhausting, like playing the game Operation, where you can extract the prize only if you don’t hit any of the sensors on all sides. Maybe more than Operation it’s like Russian roulette, because for every five times an extramarital flirtation makes you feel extra alive, there’s one crush that k