Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs

Externalizing: HCPs see problems as external to them. They see that they are the ones who are being hurt, and not when they are the people doing the hurting. They do not take responsibility for their part in the interaction and blame others for their problems. It’s an extreme reaction to the same fundamental attribution error that’s wired into all

Is jealous of attention you pay to others

“No, I’m not comfortable with you borrowing my car” turns into an over-explanation, or even falsehoods, to justify your no. “I’d totally let you use my car, but I have errands to run/the brakes are spongy/etc, etc.” Because we don’t feel comfortable with our own boundary and don’t want to upset the other person or have them think we’re being shitty

If your past experiences have shown you that having your needs met is always a fight, then you are always primed to fight.

Keeps you from work/makes you late to work/disrupts your workday/gets

Sapir-Whorf hypothesis that talks about how what we think informs how we speak (and we all get that part) and also how the way we speak starts to change how we think. Someone exposed to racist language, who starts taking on some of those linguistic tendencies, will eventually code themselves into overtly racist actions.

If we are compressing a bunch of computer files into a ZIP drive, that’s lossless…meaning all the original data is still there. In the human brain, it is lossy (yes that’s the real word), meaning that some information

Threatens self-harm in retaliation for your behaviors

Try this when communicating to someone else when you are all kinds of hacked off (or all kinds of thrilled, for that matter): I feel when you What I want