Strength and level-headedness were a major theme. They expressed adoration for masculine traits like independence and competitiveness. In my decade as a psychologist, I’ve heard plenty of complaints about husbands and boyfriends, but I have never heard a woman wish that her man was more like a girl.

“Look for the red flags early in the relationship. If anything pops up early on, don’t let that slide. Most people are on their best behavior in the beginning. They hide it well until around the six-month mark. For example, if she gets drunk and is screaming at you for no reason within the first month, run as fast as you can. Don’t let something

Men who are highly agreeable (which is not the same as “nice”) make less money and are less frequently considered for advancement than men of low agreeableness (Judge, Livingston, and Hurst 2012).

Here’s the next question: What will guide your choices if not your history and your mind’s impulses? Let’s look at what arguably should be the single most important factor in selecting the women you allow into your life.

You don’t need to be a disagreeable jerk to be attractive. As one astute reader of an early draft of this book pointed out, being an a-hole only attracts women who aren’t really worth committing to. To attract healthy women, a man needs to possess a clear set of values he’s willing to fight for. When she sees you defend what’s important, she learns

When women are seeking a long-term mate, agreeableness does not add to a man’s attractiveness. Agreeableness may actually work against him.

In The Practical Guide to Men, this book’s counterpart for women, I described the case of Aaron and Bridget. Aaron was a great guy—the kind of guy who put both men and women at ease—but he was rudderless, and he couldn’t maintain his ambition or industriousness for more than a couple of months before he abandoned his mission and moved on to some

If she externalizes, and she’s always comfortable in her role as victim, then she’s bound to one day label you as her oppressor. I wouldn’t wait around for her to mature because growth requires the same internalization skills she lacks.

To be a man is to seek effectiveness, and this male-only requirement is an absolute gift. Just watch the confidence and joy of a man working in his element. It doesn’t matter if he’s chief of surgery or a supervisor on a loading dock. The man who knows he’s serving a purpose, and doing it well, is on top of the world. There’s no pill, no pep talk,